Pretty Pretty Pretty

“Science” of heels July 17, 2008

I say “science” because I’m not entirely convinced of the validity of the underlying variables in this equation. But here’s the “science” anyway…

I found this formula on Eurekalert to calculate the appropriate height of high heels for the individual wearer.

Apparently, I can only handle a piddly 2.3cm. Which is probably close to the truth, but I’m still gonna keep teetering in my 10cm wedges anywho.

h = Q•(12+3s /8)

h is the maximum height of the heel (in cm)
Q is a sociological factor and has a value between 0 and 1 (see below to work this out)
S is the shoe size (UK ladies sizes). This factor makes sure that the base of support is just good enough for an experienced and sober, high-heel wearer not to fall over.

‘Q’ is defined as follows:

             p•(y+9)•L
Q = ———————————-
         (t+1)•(A+1)•(y+10)•(L+£20)

The variables are:

p – the probability that wearing the shoes will help you ‘pull’ (in a range from 0 to 1, where 1 is pwhooar and 0 is stick to carpet slippers). If the shoes are a turn-off, there’s no point wearing them.

y – the number of years experience you have in wearing high heels. As you become more adept, you can wear a higher heel. Beginners should take it easy.

L – the cost of the shoes, in pounds. Clearly, if the shoe is particularly expensive, you can put up with a higher heel.

t – the time since the shoe was the height of fashion, in months (0 = it’s the ‘in thing’ right now!). One has to suffer for one’s art, and if the shoes are terribly fashionable, you should be prepared to put up with a little pain.

A – units of alcohol consumed. If you’re planning on drinking, be careful to give yourself a little leeway for reduced coordination.

OK so my first problem with the formula is: isn’t cost relative to the individual? I’m never gonna pay a ludicrous amount for shoes, but I would still bare a bit more pain for slightly pricey, or even second hand shoes that were pricey for second hand.

And what about nostalgia? I have some good ol’ shoes that I wear because I’ve had some fun adventures in them, even if they are painful.

I also don’t like the condescending tone of the article: “Although at first glance our formula looks scary”. Do they think people who are interested in high heels are gonna be scared of a little mathemagic? Bring it on professor!