Kowhai and I took extensive notes watching New Zealand’ Next Top Model tonight. We’ve been drinking. It is not good for womankind. But we had fun anyway…
me: Okay so now that Kowhai and I are both online (in my lounge) we’re going to be retro-live-blogging NZNTM
And previously, the girls moved into their mansion, and shrieked as much as their American counterparts do
There’s a reformed DRUG ADDICT with potential!
And there was a challenge at MAX
which apparently has MC Hammer Pants coming in next season
so fuck you very much, MAX
Also, isn’t it nice that The Fanatics have some money coming in from the use of their song ? I will insert a Youtube link to their video now
I am so tired of them playing up the sibling rivalry, ALREADY
Seriously, ANTM had identical twins
different-looking sisters are nowhere near as interesting
Also, Rebecca Rose is kinda funny-looking
in a bad way
Ha, I love that the FORMER DRUG ADDICT is saying that the photographer wasn’t very good
ANTM would never let them say that
This week, they’re “taking it to the streets”
Kowhai: Te Tangata te tangata te tangata
me: OMG one girl says “we’re always giggling and laughing” and so they show a clip of girls giggling. Show, not tell, people, sheesh
Hosanna is still practicing walking. And apparently her and Teryl-Leigh have made up
Kowhai: Yes we do need to pause and think about that!
me: We’re pausing the tape now so that I can transcribe “Colin Mathura-Jeffree – international model & runway coach
I have no issues with men in makeup
I have a lot of issues with his hair
and his makeup
and his personality combined
Kowhai: Oh I wish that my metal/magician pop cullture knowledge was up to scratch.
me: “As a model, you need to be a muse to the designers”. Oh yes, because that’s what the majority of models do, isn’t it? Not that they struggle on the bones of their asses hardly getting paid or anything
oh no, they’re all pal-ing around with Karl Lagerfeld
(who I think is quite possibly the most vile man on the face of the planet)
Kowhai: I remember the teased fringe action from 3rd form but I had no idea it was back in for male models.
me: Damn you Reality TV! At least give me a vague option of suspending my disbelief for one second!
There was a girl in our sixth form who used to wear powder blue eyeshadow, tight white jeans and a feathered fringe
Kowhai: oh yeah
me: she was like, ten years too late, and ten years too early
Kowhai: Very strong ideas very strong ideas
me: “HIP HOP IS ALL ABOUT ATTITUDE”
Now we have some hip hop dancers
and that is what the ladies are going to have to do.
Kowhai: I think they need the omecha booty dancers
for real
me: Cue footage with novelty boing music
to show how bad they’re doing
and models interviewing about how stupid they look
Laura from Wellington is like “it’s so funny” and she’s pretty much my favourite. She seems down to earth
CMJ is like “it’s like opening a packet of spaghetti and dropping it on a plate”
Kowhai: graffiti backdrop, now dat is keeping it real.
me: We’re trying to come up with a witty name for Colin
it hasn’t happened yet
The hip hop dancer’s earrings scare me
OoooH! They’ve paid to use Madonna’s “Vogue”
Loving the high production values on this show
it’s so much less cheap and tacky cardboard walls seeming than NZ IDOl
if you know what I mean, compared to the US and Aus versions, this stands up in terms of spending budget wisels
wisely
Kowhai: Hump and butt pop, yeah girls pop the boot. They are def more comfortable with the Maddy and popping the boot than “drop it like it’s hot”
me: This is going to take a long time to write if we keep pausing to make hilarious comments. I love recordable harddrives.
T-Leigh is all “afte ra couple of drinks, I think I can dance”
yeah maybe
OHMIGOD
Kowhai: T-leigh is a contender, fo sure.
me: T-Leigh is like “I thought Ajohl would do better because she can move her ass” and the editor wants you to read between the lines “she can move her ass BECAUSE SHE’S BLACK”
Sarah goes to the bathroom and doesn’t come back because she doesn’t see the point. That’s not a winning attitude.
But it is realistic one.
SARA MAIL
Time to put your best foot forward, girls. With HANNAH’S!
Gossip about Sarah wasting people’s time
Ajoh says that as a model, you need to be prepared to do anything
Kowhai: She is Phoebe
me: The challenge is to walk a runway and strike a HIP HOP pose at the end
Kowhai: srly
me: Okay, so the winner of the challenge will win a flight ANYWHERE IN NZ WITH PACIFIC BLUE! High stakes here!
Also, have we talked about CMJ’s fauxhawk?
Kowhai: someone does need to rock the patch but apparenly that shit is going to be banned in some towns.
me: Scribe music plays. They’re doing an ’80s take on Hip Hop. One girl is wearing an eyepatch. Chris Brown has been involved.
Too soon!
Kowhai: Best line EVA
me: CMJ says the girls are throwing themselves around like a sale at Savemart
Kowhai: Throwing themselves around like it was a sale at salemart
me: T-Leigh is wearing zebra bike shorts. Fuck fashion
Kowhai: what are you squating for
me: Ajoh has a hoochie face, apparently. “What are you squatting for? You have to ask yourselves that question” – thanks CMJ
Kowhai: you HAVE to ask your self those questions tis true
Biggest shit-eating grin eva “maybe I am bipolar”.
me: And Olivia is wearing MC HAMMER PANTS. Oh my stars NZNTM, why must you make me break out so many capital letters? This hurts me as much as it hurts you! Maybe moreso
CMJ has a very disapproving look.
Hosanna is attempting a Victoria’s Secret fashion show, apparently. And yes, she looks very very studied, and not natural at all.
“What you actually did was that you overdanced – Ruby – singing the song doesn’t work!”
Sent at 9:12 PM on Friday
me: Three best are Christobel with amazing prescense, Sarah with focus and finish (‘I don’t know if the girls will be upset about me getting in the top three without doing the hip hop leson, but they’re probably frustrated” – you think? Have you ever wat, and ched any reality TV ever?)
Kowhai: I love that that girl has a french plait in the freeze frame.
me: And T-Leigh in the top three as well. Kowhai says she’s a contender. I dunno though.
Although T-Leigh has won
a flight ANYWHERE IN NZ!
Kowhai: Are your sellable girls?
Are ya?
me: Ruby doesn’t think T-Leigh is the best. My flatmate’s girlfriend used to coach her at netball, so I like Ruby too
Kowhai: Say that again, anywhere in NZ?
Holy shit!
me: Okay, shower dramas with Ajoh and T-Leigh, it’s like, wow, I wonder if they’ve been trying to foreshadow this?
“I saw her as a friend, and that really hurt my feelings”
I thought that line was overkill from T-Leigh
but as Kowhai says, its time for Ajoh to drop the B-Bomb
“why do you get so angry? is it because I am black or something?”
“I’m a NZ citizen! I’m leaving! I’m going home! I’m sick of this!”
As Sarah interviews, Ajoh has definitely got the wrong end of the stick
They’re not racist, they’re just melodramatic bitches
Ruby’s all “(T-Leigh) is the negative person in this house! Surround yourself with positive peoiple!”
Kowhai: And check it out she is damn pretty when she is angry.
me: SARA MAIL
(Thanks Vodafone!)
“What you did today was totally hot, but your next assignment may be not”
So they’re going to Snow Planet, an indoor ski “resort”
Ajoh is in jandals
Havianas, perhaps?
Olivia likes doing shoots because she gets to dress up
Kowhai: Rebecca is rockin it.
me: Rebecca Rose’s feet get cold in the snow. “I think I have a natural ability to pose well” – she’s one of the professionals from an agency already I think
Kowhai: All the best come from Welly sh
eh
me: I love Laura
because people from wellington ARE the best
Kowhai: They are all good like this Chris
me: When I grow up, I want to throw snow on models
I think that would be a good use of my fine arts degree
Oh, Sarah’s on the bus, sick. She doesn’t want to be a model
Kowhai: I don’t want to be model she says
good call.
me: I wonder if she’s STILL ON DRUGS
Olivia is flat. Again.
Also, where the hell are they getting these full lycra suits from?
because I want to get some pitchforks and torches
and burn them down
Oh, again Olivia and Lucy competition. Stop it, it’s boring
Ajoh “We don’t have snow in Africa”. But I hear it rains there…
Sent at 9:25 PM on Friday
me: I can’t believe they put that hat on Hosanna
it’s a comical Scottish hat
Sarah’s still not participating
They’re talking about how they have the best makeup artists in NZ
Do they actually know that though?
Sent at 9:27 PM on Friday
me: Lucy – “I hope that Sarah not participating is taken into consideration”
Sarah – “Some people might see me as giving up, but that’s not the case”
Laura – “I would have no qualms about saying this Sarah’s face but if she doesn’t want to be here, she should go home”
Elimination time!
OH MY STARS! Sara has a flippy sixties bob hairstyle and it looks dreadful
she bobs her head like Tyra when she says “hip hop”
CMJ has an afro now
he’s like Miss J’s terrible ruffled shirt
but on his head
Their Covergirl contract is not noticeably worth one hundred thousand dollars
stink ow
Hosanna goes well. Ruby says her photo is “different” which is my favourite word to use for wine
Apparently she has a terrible attitude because she only got 2 minutes to shoot in
CMJ is wearing a fur coat. He looks like a terrible spoiled lapdog
I really don’t like Rebecca Rose. Her eyes are too not apparent.
She’s like a Blythe doll but creepier
Lucy’s photo is very average
But she was the best dancer
I like Victoria’s movement in her photo as does she
she’s a ballerina
Kowhai just compared CMJ to someone in Red Dwar
Kowhai: Cat from Red Dwarf anyone/\?
me: I don’t even know who Kowhai is anymore
T-Leigh is wearing BIRKINSTOCKS to panel
Kowhai: Oh fuck really!
B-stocks?
me: in fact, they’re probably No 1 Shoe Warehouse copies
Kowhai: no way
me: and she STILL slips in them
GET SOME HEELS!
She says she looks fat in the photo
you can see her hip bones sticking out
OMG
I know who CMJ looks lie
the Don King guy in the Simpsons
Rhiannon looks like a 1970s model, the natural hair stuff girl. A Brekin girl?
I can’t believe they make Olivia re-walk but didn’t make T-Leigh
They call Olivia “flat” again
Man, Tyra would kick all of these girls’ asses for what they’re wearing to panel. Singlets and shorts? I know we’re NZ, but seeeeeeeeeriously, COME ON
Haha, Christobel says she doesn’t like her photo, but it’s Sara’s favourite, It shows the clothes, but not her face.
Sarah is called, but has to say that she didn’t do the photoshoot because she’s so homesick
They talk about how amazing she was on the runway, and how she battled the A-Class drugs (I’m pretty sure morphine is only b-class though) but she has so much potential
Sent at 9:41 PM on Friday
me: The judges love Laura too. Good for them.
I think Olivia is going home
CMJ calls Victoria “fierce”. Trying too hard to be Miss J
Ajoh’s photoshoot is a disaster, apparently, but she won’t be going home first.
The shot of Sarah lying on the couch sick looks just like a shot from Pavement anyway…
First to get their photo is Christobel
is that a ROMPER she’s wearing?
just say no to culottes!
And Hosanna’s scarf makes her look like an airline hostess
Laura’s through, I’m happy
Ajoh’s through, leaving Olivia and Sarah
Kowhai loves the openly bitchy expressions of the girls waiting for the verdict
Olivia has improved, but her shot sucks. How will they know if Sarah will show up though?
And Olivia wins, Sarah’s out. That means no more EX DRUG USER EPILEPTIC WITH A PAST but we can keep the sibling rivalry going
Sarah interviews that she did want to be a model, and she wanted it hard, which makes me think of the Onion story “Porn Stars take demands to be fucked harder to congress”
Coming up: MAKEOVERS!
Ajoh cries. Someone get THE CHOP
OMG DRAMA
And that’s it. Any last thought, Kowhai?
Kowhai: I have been letting it all wash over me.
I will miss Sarah though.
me: I will too. I might not get to use as many capital letters next week
sob
Kowhai: She makes me want to house my ex-drugie friends and help them make a success of their lives 
Sent at 9:52 PM on Friday
me: And on that lovely caring note, we’ll end this inaugural liveblogging
woo woo! Leave us your comments and opinions, dear PPP reader!
Sent at 9:55 PM on Friday
If next week is the makeover episode I’m totally watching.
I hope the short-hair girl cries. Which ever one she is.
Maybe if we’re really lucky someone will have a hair colour they hate.
I wonder if anyone will get a weave. Do they even do those in NZ? Is it an American thing? I’m so clueless when it comes to hair torture.
i only got to see the last 20 mins so i’m ever so glad you have this since those bastards over at television without pity won’t