So, a new season of America’s Next Top Model has just started here in NZ, so Lisa and I watched it for you, and wrote about it. Enjoy! (Caution: contains many jokes in extremely bad taste, as you would expect)
me: ready, okay?
Lisa: K I C K A S S! that’s the way we spell success!
7:54 PM
me: So, to begin our live delayed coverage of ANTM
i should just point out that it took me a while to realise you’d spelt kickass correctly
Lisa: I always spele everthing corecktly
me: ANTM is going to be in Vegas this season. That’s so money and it doesn’t even know it
7:55 PM
Lisa: Hands up who was disappointed when they realised that this isn’t the season featuring NZ?
me: Me! is this the season where they’re going to be short?
Or are we like, three seasons behind?
Lisa: Like, a short girl wins? Like that time a “fat” girl won?
me: Oh isn’t it nice to see whatsherface from NZNTM working?
7:56 PM
like, they’re ALL going to be under 5′9 in one season
which is what, your height?
Lisa: I’m gonna get this out of the way…
Tyra Banks is just awful
me: Ha, I like that Tyra says it was her who narrowed it down from thousands of applicants
Lisa: Tyra is an inspiration to us all.
me: like she saw anyone except for maybe top 100 tapes
Lisa: That girl looks like Charlie from Scarfies?
7:57 PM
me: I’ve also heard people call me creepy and strange
like Charlotte 20 from New Oreans
Lisa: Is that girl ISIS in dra…wait..uh.. disguise?
me: There’s a girl called London? Crikey
And a girl called Fo
Lisa: Someone should tell mr Jay that vertical stripes make him look orange.
me: Fo’sure!
The TEMPLE OF TYRA
7:58 PM
Lisa: that’s what she calls her vagina
me: hahahaha ow you made MY vagina hurt
Lisa: your TEMPLE..
me: It’s also Tyra’s temple
I am keeping it pure for her
Lisa: Too late.
7:59 PM
me: Okay so now the girls are showing us their Goddess side
by wearing white dresses
“I’m the only plus-size girl”
Lisa: The plus size girl must have huge ankles?
me: says a girl who’s a size 8 at the most
Lisa: Remember Ruby? Ahhh plus size. I miss Ruby.
8:00 PM
me: Today they’re doing classic Roman profiles
Ahh, Charlie from Scarfies works in the Men’s Department
Lisa: Charlie from Scarfies actually looks like Charlie from Scarfies as Daryl Hannah
me: Fo is a hippie, apparently
Lisa: Aminat… like. ampersand?
8:01 PM
this is an aminat.. O;)
me: perhaps that’s where they got the idea for Britain’s Missing Top Model
I find it very hard to understand a word that Teyona from the country (in New Jersey?) says
8:02 PM
Is Sandra shaking her titties as she walks the runway? Dearie me
Lisa: Ok.. she’s ok as a plus size model, next to the girls who can cut cheese on their collar bones. if they ate cheese.
me: Monique is a conspiracy theorist. Reality TV is the perfect place for her
me: You don’t need to stand in front of Tyra to be judged, girl, we’re judging you right now
8:07 PM
Right, back now
8:08 PM
Lisa: me: I wonder if John Campbell can relate to these girls? He stood infront of her and was probably judged.
These girls are acting like Tyra’s a frickin’ Beatle. She’s not. She’s… a dung Beetle
If Tyra was a barbie doll, how would they market her?
Oh god, the accents have started early this season..
Ok, I was wrong.. she refers to her vagina as her chariot. and it’s on fire!!
yeeeeeeeeeah her chariots on fiiiiiiiire
8:09 PM
me: OMG IT’S TYRA SCREAM SCREAM SCREAM
“All of a sudden these Spartan guys came marching in out of nowhere” – to Caesar’s Palace. It must have been a long march over a couple hundred years and from Greece to Rome…
Lisa: How many are there? 300? LOLBURGERS
8:10 PM
me: Lisa made me rewind so we could watch the girls crying (!!!) at whatsherface coming in
she is apparently the GODDESS OF FIERCE
Lisa: I think Tyra may be drunk quite often
Seriously, she slurs…
those grapes may have fermented
me: Tyra goes “I’m a little hungry and I think I need some grapes fed to me right now” and one girl looks ABSOLUTELY terrified
like she is the grape
8:11 PM
Lisa: I wish they let the ugly girls through to audition like they do with idol and bad singers
oh wait, they do…
our first crier. what’s her story?
8:12 PM
me: She’s from KENYA
Lisa: “my ex wife put out a hit on me… you hear me charlie sheen? i can get attention too!”
me: KENYA KENYA BADGER BADGER BADGER
Lisa: (for those who don’t understand – jon cryor – duckie from pretty in pink- said that about his ex…)
8:13 PM
me: Oh dear god, London is a Street Preacher!
Lisa: Jesus is watching and he’s not happy with your representation.
me: she also looks lile she dressed herself from Nicole Ritchie’s trash
“I can spread his name” – as she’s spreading her legs
Lisa: this girls vagina is apparently called “his name”
8:14 PM
me: Oh no, this girl has a story. Oh, she’s a burn survivor.
She’s not going to get through. Too much airbrushing
Lisa: DON’T TELL THE INTERNET I LAUGHED…
(DAMNIT)
me: But thanks for the tokenism for a second, Tyra
8:15 PM
Lisa: “Wow, she has really nice handwriting”
“I love her …fingernails”
8:16 PM
me: Thinking that governments are corrupt does NOT make you a conspiracy theorist. It just makes you like, normmal
Lisa: Got a guuuun, fact i got twoooo…
me: Monique poses like crazy like her crazy mind, I hope she stays in for a bit
Lisa: You know what the public loves? Spoiled brats!
Big norgs though…so..
8:17 PM
me: oh, Natalie is rich. Not like Gossip Girl, like 90210. Thanks for the clarification
Lisa: You can see your heart pumping through your boobs lady. You’re skinny.
So she’s more like.. Andrea Zuckerman?
me: Aminat is 6′1, is wearing 4 inch heels AND an afro. That’s kind of awesome
Lisa: I bet she didn’t take the bus to get there.
(from out of zone, but shh don’t tell)
8:18 PM
me: Oh, Katherine is our first cryer. You go girl!
Lisa: aminat gives me a “biracial butterfly” vibe.. i can’t remember her name… no wait, yeah I can…Jade
(we already had a crier, hence my hilarious joke)
me: Aminat is like totally Jade, but not quite as hubristic
Oh, I get it now
8:19 PM
We’re pausing for a second – we just saw Tyra hand a girl five clothes pegs – what is she going to do with them, Lisa?
predictions?
Lisa: Tyra’s face is paused right now… it’s burning holes through the tv.
8:20 PM
well joanna, she’s going to force her to pin back her ginormous ears
me: Maybe she lost a lot of weight and her skin is all loose and she’s going to peg it all back?
Lisa: OR peg back her penis.
me: or shove them all in her mouth at once to prove she can handle Nigel Barker?
Or make her clothes tighter?
Lisa: or perhaps she can juggle but only pegs?
me: the suspense is killing me, let’s watch it
Lisa: or maybe she eats pegs!?
8:21 PM
damnit
me: Oh, they’re pens. How boring
Lisa: “pass me your pens…”
(heheh)
me: I like that she’s substituting food pens for actual food
Lisa: I can name 5 models bitch
betty white
amy winehouse
garry glitter
8:22 PM
ben tiller
still
me: there’s no internet in Indiana?
Lisa: susan boyle
me: TOO SOON!
Lisa: TOO SOON!!!
alexander mcqueeeeeen
me: (She wants to work for Alexander McQueen)
Lisa: what if lady gaga is watching this?
hheehe it’s vickie pollard
8:23 PM
yeah but no but yeah but no but
me: Alex, 20, from Tampa is so gangsta but like, so white. She looks like my old flatmate El
Lisa: Oh good. A prom queen.
8:24 PM
me: This girl has siezures. Didn’t we already have that? She looks like Alice Pizeki. Who is a LESBIAN.
Lisa: Did Tyra go to her prom with Miss J?
me: Lisa almost choked and died on Tyra’s prom picture
8:25 PM
It TOTALLY is Miss J. Hilair!
Lisa: FO
8:26 PM
I just Fo’ed in my pants.
me: Fo is kinda cute. For a BLAXICAN!
Lisa: She’s a blaxican.
I like to think of her as a beautiful biracial moth
me: Lisa says I like Fo cos she looks like Kat. Which may be true
OMG the girls are eating food!
8:27 PM
Angelea has the ugliest effing hair I have ever seen. And a dead daughter
She makes Isis look classy.
Lisa: She’s the octomom right? She’s got leftovers? Too soon?
Now I feel bad cuz.. she’s crying.. and has green nails.. and bad hair.. and… the aforementioned tragedy. i’m only making fun because i’m insecure…
8:29 PM
me: OH MY GOD
that is an amazing transformation without her earrings and her hair
Lisa: i wish i had a my little pony on the back of my head.
me: so much prettier
8:30 PM
Tyra says you shouldn’t sleep in bus terminals to try out for her show
Charlie (well, Celia) is 25. SO OLD
Lisa: wow, if you’re the prettiest you’ve ever been you must have been a HOMELY child (just kidding..)
8:31 PM
“My temple wants cheesecake.”
so does tyra’s
She went out with Dale Earnhardt Jr (spelllllling)
I IKNOW WHO HE IS!
me: Umm, I may have just gone “daaaaaaaamn” at Kourtnie’s rack
Lisa: He’s friends with Matt Good…
me: because I am very superficial
8:32 PM
Lisa: That girl reminds me of Elijah Wood.
me: Tyra used to get nosebleeds all the time. FROM ALL THE COKE
The girl with spooky eyes is trying too hard to be weird.
Lisa: She looks like a strip of beef jerky.
8:33 PM
Or a schmacko.
me: 34 girls is about to become 21
Lisa: What’s better than fucking 21 year olds?
(inappropriate)
me: “If your box contains a golden wreath…”
8:34 PM
heheheh oh grow up Joanna
Lisa: If your box contains a lump of poo, you were NOT successful
8:35 PM
In the current ecomonic climate, they shouldn’t have spent money on the loser girl boxes.
me: Oh sad, Monique didn’t get through. No conspiracy theories in the house
8:36 PM
The girls have all been assigned a goddess to do, and they have to pose like that
Lisa: I am the goddess of gassiness
8:37 PM
me: One girl just did Duckface
Lisa: I am the goddess of duckface
I am the goddess of awkward poses
me: Oh, Sandra and Angelea are in a fight already
Lisa: Its like Ange and Jen Aniston all over again
me: hahahah they just had a shot of the photographer rolling her eyes. So awesome
8:38 PM
Mr Jay’s telling them off. Poor Mr J
8:39 PM
Lisa: Octomom has cried like 3 times already
I’m going to hire a hitman
me: Hey Angelea, a good way for people to not think that you’re a ghetto-ass bitch would be to not refer to yourself as one
Lisa: John Mayer is a ghetto ass bitch?
8:40 PM
Allison looks like a partially formed fetus
8:41 PM
Tyra doesn’t like girls who fight? Didn’t she fire Paulina mid season?
me: Model-fierce conflakes?
Lisa: Felicia Fi Fo fum
8:42 PM
Well Mr Jay, you give a girl the direction “you’re the gdodess of god knows what”…
me: Mr Jay doesn’t think Kourtnie is too busty
I just had to stop the tv to yell “NO ONE EVER HAS TO GET A FACELIFT” at Tyra
Lisa: Tyra needs a facelift. To remove her ass from her own lips.
Pleaase don’t let the street preacher through
8:43 PM
Sandra’s profile shot looks like Akon.
me: If you have a bone over your eyebrows, don’t put bangs on it
just tea bags
Lisa: “I love the fact that she’s burned”
8:44 PM
me: I’m so glad that they can find other ways to kick the burned girl out
rather than deal with her burns
“she’s not skinny and she’s not plus-size”
Lisa: She shoud try bio-oil
me: wait, you mean her porridge is JUST RIGHT?
Oh, they’re going back to NYC
not staying in New York
Yay, Aminat made it though. She seems nice
8:45 PM
Lisa: Natalie? Who?
me: Fo’real!
Lisa: FO got… thro
me: Spooky-eyed Alison
Lisa: Alison..you big big freak
me: Talia – who?
Lisa: Tahlia Burns.
Charlie from Scarfies
me: Nijah please!
8:46 PM
The preacher made it through. She’s thanking Jesus.
Lisa: Oh no, Preacher McJesuslover got through
me: She means Heysues, the producer she blew
Lisa: Tianna? Kourtnie……
me: Okay, three names left. I predict Ghetto Angelea
Lisa: Jo just paused the show cuz she can’t type fast like me
(tee hee)
8:47 PM
This is going to be tough…
me: Sandra from KENYA
Lisa: Akon.
me: aaaaaaaaaaaaaand ummm
we can’t remember anyone else
Lisa: I can only remember one more….
the girl with epilepsy
me: Alice Piezeki?
yeah, let’s throw her in there
yep, Isabella got in
Lisa: Isabella aka Alice Piezeki
8:48 PM
Jessica?
me: Oh, Pretty Jessica got in
So it must be Sandra, not Ghetto
Lisa: Akon.
Akon totally pushed Octomom on her way down
8:49 PM
Come and give Aunty Tyra a huuuuuuuug losers
me: Ghetto can’t go back to Buffalo
Lisa: I cake go back to buffallo. i cake.
me: she needs Ani Di Franco to come pick her up
8:50 PM
Lisa: What a bunch of hobos and misfits. Excellent.
Well, it’s been real.
me: So, how do we feel about that episode, Lisa?
Lisa: I feel… gassy.
me: Did Vegas add to your experience?
8:51 PM
Awesome, I guess it’s time to cut’n paste this all into PPP now
What is that girl’s name? From NZNTHM?
Lisa: No, but it was better than that ridiculous Top Model Institute crap from last season.
Christobelle?
me: That’s true, Top Model Institute was TERRIBLE
Lisa: Laura should hve won.
me: yeah, christobelle
RUBY FTW!
Lisa: Yeah, Ruby, but, ya know…
me: Yea, okay
8:52 PM
This is us out now. Ciao!
Lisa: I love you all.
Reading that was about a zillion times better than actually watching it. Good times.
Thx ladies!
i like the beauty of Daryl Hannah, she is quite tall and gorgeous’~’