Pretty Pretty Pretty

I am a hairy feminist and that’s okay October 14, 2008

When I went to Samoa, I was going to write a post about how much fun it was to depilitate my thighs, how satisfying it was to see the huge big clumps of hair washing down the drain, and how great it was that the three-minute-shower-cream that I was using didn’t make my legs smell like roast chicken the way creams in 1996 used to. But I didn’t get around to it, and now there’s no way I’m going to. The reason? Veet Wax’s TV ads that say that waxing makes you more feminine. I’m sorry, but what? WHAT? Get stuffed, how dare you tell me what’s feminine and what’s not? And their slogan “what beauty feels like” - oh silly me, there I was thinking that beauty had to do with feeling good, rather than worrying that you’re not hairless enough to wear what you feel like wearing.

I’m not going to stop shaving my legs (to the knee), but I’m not going to apologise for the parts of me that are hairy either. If you enjoy waxing your legs, by all means, keep waxing your legs (I went through a stage of waxing my toes purely because the pain made me feel), but please, don’t ever think that it’s okay for advertising to play on women’s insecurities about not being feminine enough.

For your glamorous benefit September 14, 2008

If you happen to be browsing the magazine racks somewhere, and you see a small British Glamour magazine with a free lip gloss - the July edition - buy it. Not for the magazine itself, because it is truly truly hollow and the article on cleavage at work was particularly misogynistic, but rather because the attached lip gloss is the best lip gloss I have ever used. And that’s a bloody big call from someone who has as many lip glosses on her at one time that most people would have in a lifetime. It’s a UK company called Benefit, and their ‘‘Her Glossiness’ lip gloss sells for 13 pounds - or $40NZ. Glamour costs $8. You do the maths. The lip gloss goes on slickly, and makes your lips look beautiful and smooth, even if you’re in the middle of Sickness of Death.

Don’t patronise me. Period. September 2, 2008

I wanted to do a post about how fricking stupid an idea I think coloured tampons are, but it turns out that they’re such a stupid idea that neither Amy or I can find anything about their brand name or their existence in New Zealand, so I will curtail my rants about how probably the last thing anyone needs in their twats is more chemicals, and how it’s just going to end up rust-coloured anyway.

Instead, I will point you to two things. Firstly, I love me some Moxie tampon tins, and I like the fact that they are not Johnson & Johnson all up in my vag. Tampon tins are bloody handy, especially because once you have them, you can fill them up with bulk no-name tampons, or organic cotton ones, and not have them get all smooshed up and ripped open in your handbag. Plus you’re saved the OMG SHOCK HORROR of what if a boy went in your bag and discovered that OMG SHOCK HORROR you have your period? The one thing I don’t like about Moxie is that their slogans are “With Moxie it’s always the right time of the month” and also “Stay Pretty”. Both of which are pretty patronising.

And while we’re complaining, let’s talk about tampon ads and how much they suck. In fact, let’s let Jezebel do it for us. Blue liquid may be no more, but cat toys, beavers, the size of your boyfriend’s cock and YOU CAN’T SLEEP HOW YOU WANT TO BECAUSE YOU ARE BLEEDING YOU WEAK AND FEEBLE WOMAN are all pretty repulsive in their representations of what it is to have a period. It’s blood. It comes out of your vagina, because vaginas are made to make babies with. Deal with it. I echo one commentator’s call for ads that are like “This tampon is easy to insert, will not give you thrush with its soggy cord, and we have minimised the packaging on them, off you go” would be a good start.

Also, I would like to start using a moon cup. Who has tips for me? And also, tell me period horror stories, just because you can. Thanks!

We read it so you don’t have to: Madison August 2008 August 21, 2008

Straight off, I bought Madison because I was in the mood for a trashy weekend/holiday read. and while it was $8.95, it offered a free Napoleon Chocolate Kiss lipgloss valued at $25. In fact, I got two of them, and you can win one simply by posting a video of you pretending to be America’s Next Top Model. And I really like this stuff, so I recommend that you do enter. Anyways, so to the magazine. I think it’s aiming to be Marie Claire rather than Cosmo or Vogue, but its intellectual stories fall far from the mark. Their pieces on identity theft are boring – although they get to do the traditional “IT COULD HAPPEN TO YOU!!! OMG!!!” sidebar, the piece about the New Jersey rich man who OD’d on cocaine has no relevance to their Australian audience – he’s not even hot – and their cover story on Madonna I have read before on the internet. Oh yeah, and by the way, the answer to their cover question “Is your salary affecting your sex life?” is “yes, rich people get more sex” apparently, but they don’t rank it according to the salary of women themselves. After all, you’re living off your partner’s income, right? And he’d like you to buy some more Louis Vuitton (FYI Microsoft Spellcheck totally gives you the correct spelling for that, while Linux, which is what I’m running, suggests “Louis Spittoon”. Open Source FOR THE WIN!) luggage, right? And maybe have a facelift so you’re pretty enough for him.

There’s a piece on how Sally from Home and Away is now on the radio now with two larrikans, and they’ve photographed her in this white floaty ball dress. However, you see the thing is, I’ve grown up with Sally, and whilst I’ve been spreading rumours she starred in a porno, I’ve also noticed that she has somewhat of a chest on her. The model in this flat white ball dress? Not so much. They have airbrushed her waist down to nothingness, and have given her a Gwyneth Paltrow chest while her head is larger than her body. If they hadn’t put her in a lowcut stripey dress in another photo, with her waist tucked behind her arm, and if it hadn’t been for those pesky kids, they would have gotten away with it!

As for fashion shoots, they do a Homer-age to Brooke Shields in Calvin Klein with a brunette model wearing tight faded jeans. Please please please tell me that bleached denim is not coming back in fashion. I do not want to believe it. Also they have a shoot called ‘Jump To It’ which looks like an ANTM shoot (blonde girl jumping in the air in front of a bunch of hot guys/distractions) who looks like Kristen Johnston playing Betty Grable. I like the bright colours of the dresses, but there are too many puff balls for me.

To summarise, don’t buy. It doesn’t have the trashiness of Cosmo, or the “well, at least I am learning about the women of the world” like Marie Claire. Just win my lip gloss, and we’ll all be winners.

PS: Check out Glossed Over’s live-blogging of the big thick Vogue

Pretty Pretty Pretty’s Next Top Model August 9, 2008

I make no secret of the fact that despite being a feminist I enjoy watching soul-crushing, deeply unhealthy television, so naturally last week’s final episode of America’s Next Top Model (Cycle 9 ) was a banner occasion, which the delightful Kowhai came over to share with me. One of the challenges that the girls faced in this episode was shooting a video for Covergirl - specifically for Covergirl’s Wet Slicks Fruit Spritzers, and naturally, some of them really really sucked at reading their lines. Thanks to the magic of editing, their attempts were cut into a reasonable ad, but it made us wonder - exactly how hard can it possibly be to remember a tiny little speil and smile at the camera? Well, as it turns out, after a couple of glasses of wine, it’s actually bloody hard. The humiliating video after the jump.
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Short bits and wordy considerations July 8, 2008

1. Zebrano, home to designer clothes for the curvy lady is having a sale. Pretty much every garment in-store (well, at least in their Johnson Street branch anyway) is reduced, often up to 50%, and arranged in size order for easy shopping. While I’m at it, how do you feel about the term “curvy lady”? I personally don’t like the word ‘lady’ very much so I’m not entirely sure why I’m using it. I ask partially because when Martha wrote about us, she said she doesn’t like the word ‘girly’. How about ‘girlie’ with an ie? But yes, I favour ‘curvy’ over ‘plus-size’, because it celebrates my lovely lovely breasts while we’re at it.

2. If you’re still not reading Jezebel yet, maybe you could start with this post on Badvertising, which demonstrates all the reasons that I pretty much hate magazine advertising (and most magazine copy, for that reason). As a sample, in response to a
Dove campaign for “It’s time we girls cooled off more and freaked out less”, Jezebel writes:

“You know what else makes me freak out? When someone suggests that “we girls” should freak out less. We make less money than men, are expected to be thin and hairless and we have the crampy bleeds every 26 days. A body wash solves nothing. Fuck off.”

And to continue my wordy-thoughts, I pretty much HATE advertising that pretends that the product is “one of us”. I don’t think that the Dove ad was written by someone who has anything in common with me, so they can take their over-familiarisation and shove it.

3. I know we’ve mentioned it before, but Amy and I worked on the giftboxes for our party (which starts at 4pm this Saturday in Newtown, tell your friends!) last night, and man, they are pretty damn awesome if I do say so myself. We’ve also got some foot spas for soaking your tootsies in, the signature cocktail has been designed, and there are piles and piles of clothes for the swap, and all kinds of tasty goodness and decorations have been purchased. We think that you will enjoy yourselves. For those of you who can’t make it because you’re not in Wellington, there will be some giftboxes to be won at a later date. We have many many cunning plans taking shape.